MM

How? How do you tell someone it's okay after something like that happens?

         After being raped I found out I was pregnant. At first after finding out and seeing that positive sign on the test, I was in shock. I didn't know what to do or where I would hide if it was in fact true. My parents would have yelled for days if they had found out, but in several months I wouldn't be able to hide the fact.
           The thing that made me accept it was telling my boyfriend. After the rape our relationship became almost finished due to me pushing him away, all the while he wondered what he was doing wrong. But when I told him the news he spun me around, kissed me, and loved the little life that was growing inside me. I didn't have the strength to tell him any of the real facts. We smiled, thinking everything would be okay. We got closer again, he would be in the marines soon and we would marry, and live on the base raising our baby. The more we thought about it the more excited we became, especially since I saw that he was still beside me and wanted to be there.
              He would come over and when we were alone we would sit on the couch holding each other, speaking of our baby occasionally. We decide to call the baby MM for the time. Using its initials, if it was a boy we would name it Michael, if it was a girl we would name her Mary. I wanted to paint the baby's room like the shire from the Lord of the Rings movies and give that baby a fairytale life full of all the love we could possibly give it. My boyfriend would kiss me and then my stomach tickling it, already talking to it, promising to be the best dad and always protect it. At night I would hold on hoping it could sense my hugs and all my love as I sang to it. I would whisper promises at night, "I love you MM. I will always love you, no matter what you say or do, you will always be my angel. I promise to be the best mommy possible. You will want for nothing and you will have all the love in the world. I will make sure your life is far better than mine was. I promise MM. Mommy will always take care of you."
            As happy as we were though the stress became too much as did the fear of seeing the man that had ruined me. Two and a half months later I had the worst period of my life. I was so afraid, I knew what that meant, running and grabbing another test, it showed.... I had lost the one thing keeping me sane. My friend's mom was an OB/GYN and I went to her. She confirmed my nightmare... My baby, my precious MM. The life I could have had, watching MM grow up, holding, singing to, loving. I called my boyfriend to tell him the news. He cried silent tears as he came over to hold me. I was inconsolable. I cried for days and still sometimes shed a tear at night. I remember my promises, how I had tried to take care of it alone, how I hadn't gone to anyone but my friends mom and online sites for fear my parents would get the bills. I still believe it's my fault I lost my baby. I was too stressed, too young, and too scared to tell anyone but my boyfriend. The people I did tell would tell me it was alright, that I could try again... I broke and let both the trauma of the rape and of my miscarriage consume me. I broke off things with my boyfriend and became self destructive. As the insensitive words replayed in my head for weeks as I cried myself to sleep harder than usual.
How can you say that?! Yes, I can try again someday, but it will not replace the baby I lost. Seeing mothers and their babies make me wish MM were alive. I know some day I may be blessed with children but it won't be my precious little baby. I play the piano and every once in a while, unconsciously, my hands will stop and start to play MM's song I wrote. 

No one can truly understand till it happens to them and even then its different. It affects the woman for her life, because she will always have that in the back of her mind..... her lost baby.